Lessons From Pain

Nobody likes to be in pain.  We don’t have to look much further beyond ourselves to know that.  In our North American culture there are a myriad of ways we try to avoid, distract and escape the pain and anxiety we feel in our lives.  From television, to social media, relationships, alcohol, junk food… we want to feel better immediately and we will do what it takes to feel better or numb pain, even if it’s just temporary.  Depending on the amount of pain, our life experiences and how we’ve learned to cope with pain or trauma, some of us will attempt to lessen our pain in healthier ways than others.  And oftentimes the methods we use to escape or avoid our pain are not necessarily bad things in moderation.  But in an attempt to feel better are we missing out on something?  Is there a purpose to pain or are we meant to just experience all this hurt, just struggle to avoid it and seek to get beyond it until we can be happy again?

These are questions I’ve been wrestling with in this last season of my life.  When I look at history, at humanity, it’s obvious to me that pain is unavoidable.  It’s part of the human experience.  And in many ways, I truly believe that if we didn’t experience pain we wouldn’t realize how amazing joy and happiness really feel.  But if pain is inevitable, I know I’m going to experience it to varying degrees in my life… for the rest of my life.  That’s not a fun thought.  But if I know I will experience pain, I want to make it purposeful. 

I recently went through a rough season in life where I experienced pain to a greater degree than I have experienced before.  I recognize that grief and pain are subjective and my grief journey can’t be compared to someone else’s but here are 3 things that I am taking away from my time of grief.  I hope something can be helpful to others, even if it is just to know that you are not alone in your pain and suffering.

1) Learning Patience. 

Learning to sit in grief has been a tough lesson.  It’s okay to not be okay.  One of the biggest things I learned in this last season is that I am uncomfortable with pain.  We all are.  I knew it before but I really know it now.  I mean, it’s obvious that when given the choice most of us would rather not have pain in our lives.  But I’ve realized I can learn to handle my pain and cope with my emotions better than I do.  I haven’t done this well in the past.  Instead of ignoring it or working so hard to “just push through it to the other side” I am learning the value of engaging with the grief and pain I experience. 

I am an impatient person.  I want to be through it and healed. I want things done quickly.  But grief definitely takes more time than we want.  If I choose to ignore my pain and distract myself, I believe it would leave the underlying emotions and issues unaddressed.  And in this way it will never be put to rest at all. It will only come back up in my interactions, relationships and the situations I face later in life that may be related to the painful experience(s).   I have seen that before and it leads to creating patterns and cycles that may not be healthy for me. It can also create an even longer emotional process of grief and pain.  A lot of things of value can be hard and grieving well is no different.  

2) Learning Vulnerability.

Sitting in the grief and not rushing to escape it all of the time is hard, very hard.  But when I do learn to face it head on, it’s also led me to learn more about authenticity and vulnerability.  I’ve admired my friends who have walked through difficult circumstances and painful experiences with grace and hope.  One of the major things I noticed about those friends who I felt grieved well was their ability to be authentic and vulnerable with the people around them.  They were honest with themselves and others about how they were feeling and they talked it out.  They allowed me to see their pain and try to understand what they were going through.  They didn’t isolate or bottle it up but talked about it and used healthy community as an outlet for their grief. 

Let others in on your grief and your journey.  Though many will make mistakes in how they handle your grief (probably even unknowingly), finding trusted people that you can be yourself around, people who allow you to be sad, who don’t expect you to ‘just get over it’ or hide your feelings, people who let you talk about what you’re going through, can be a big source of comfort. 

3) Learning to Choose Growth.

If I have to walk through pain, then I want to do it well and make it ‘worth’ going through it.  I want to bring meaning to it.  Victor Frankel, a Holocaust survivor, says that ‘despair is suffering without meaning’.  In order to maintain hope in the midst of pain, create meaning of your suffering.  Choosing to grow and learn through hard seasons isn’t easy to do, especially in the moment.  It’s a conscious choice that I’ve had to choose over and over in hard times.  It’s also a conscious choice that has been mustered up in me through other people, by their encouragement or example. I am thankful for this. 

There are other ways to make meaning out of your suffering as well.  You can make meaning of it for yourself but also for others too.  You may find that sharing your story helps you process your pain, which is meaningful for yourself. But you may also find that sharing your story can also be an encouragement to others.  Others may be encouraged that they are not alone in their own suffering; you can use your story to inspire and encourage others.  I found that sharing with the appropriate people helps me better myself and make my pain meaningful.  I feel I can come out of it feeling a bit stronger, learning to enjoy the beauty of life and appreciating all the more the good things the world offers. 

Sometimes you just need to sit in the grief for awhile and sometimes for a long time, depending on the situation and who you are as an unique individual.  But one of the most important things to remember is that grieving is okay.  Everyone grieves differently and on different timelines.  But resilience is developed from coming through hard experiences and choosing to persevere and glean what you can out of a situation.  I hope that we can all encourage and inspire each other to continue to view pain and suffering in healthy ways and to daily remind ourselves (and each other) that we are all on a journey of learning more about ourselves and our world.

As always, our Client Advocates are trained in providing emotional support related to pain associated with unexpected pregnancies and relationships.  Please contact us if you need to a safe place to talk about your situation.